Pokey visits a Farm
8-2021
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"Walking is cool. I like to go outside and walk. I'm glad I'm not stuck in the boring old dirt anymore! Being stuck in one place and never exploring is really lame. And I'm too awesome and cool to be lame, and stand around doing nothing all the time."

And the Cactus walked and walked and walked. This was the best decision he ever made. He got to take in interesting sights, sounds, smells, touches! He looked at different things and watched different animals gawk and point at him, with slack jaws. He laughed at them because they were dorks, and gawked and pointed at them back.

The Cactus marched on tirelessly, through the day and night cycles. He admired the stars, now that he was gifted the gift of Intelligence and Sapience. He saw a shooting star blaze across the sky, and vanish into the orange horizon.

"I am so thankful to be really smart and self-aware! Truly I am blessed with a gift that probably very few plants have been graced with! Praise the Creator who created whimsical glowing fire ants!"

And then Cactus did a spontaneous stomping dance from the bottom of his fire-ant heart and the depth of his glowing red soul. For walking, talking, sentient plants do not "come about by accident", they are always created with purpose and intent.

Eventually, he walked until he came across a barnyard. Because it was before dawn, the animals and people, and crops, were still asleep. Not that he cared, Cactus doesn't have time to care about stealth or courtesy. Ambulatory Cacti can go around doing whatever they want, because there were no laws that applied to them. So Cactus hopped the fence to get a look at stuff. Because his eye-holes glow, he can see in the dark.

"Oh boy, manure!!" Said Cactus gleefully, and he stomped in it and splattered it everywhere, because that's just what you'd expect a walking plant to do. Also, whenever he jumps and stomps around, inevitably some of the little glowing ants that crawl around on him, fall off and land on things.

A cow and pig wake up, and sense something very strange is going on. They can also talk, which raises questions about the ethics of raising livestock capable of speech, but the author advises the readers to not think too much about it.

"What on earth is lurking around in the darkness?" asked Bossy the Cow. It didn't seem to be a wolf or bear, but it sure was having a great time stomping and splattering in her leavings.

"I don't know, but he or she sounds like they know how to have a good time and boogie down!" said Snorf the Pig.

So, Snorf trotted in the general direction of the jumping, splattering noise, and in the low light, he could make out three holes faintly glowing red. He squinted at the strange figure. It looked like a cactus with a jack-o-lantern face!

"Hey, you're really weird" said Snorf, pointing with his trotter.

"Apparently, 'weird' is a synonym for 'awesome'!" the Cactus smugly replied.

Snorf looked down at where the Cactus stood, and seemed a bit taken aback.

"Ummmm, are you aware that you're standing in... "

"Pff, of course I know. I'm a walking plant! I go out of my way to step in manure!"

"Well, okay, buddy. I guess you know what you're doing, then."

"Of course I do!" the Cactus smugly puffed his chest and put his arms on his hips and looked absolutely self-satisfied. "I'm a very, very intelligent cactus! I don't waste my life standing around in one place, all the time! I'm on a quest to see the world and meet people and do interesting and radical things!"

By now, Bossy had come forth to see who was making a mess of her formerly somewhat orderly pies.

"I sure hope you wash your feet before you continue on your quest." she muttered, looking at his legs.

Neither of the talking farm animals were terribly surprised to see an ambulatory plant, because it takes a lot to surprise a talking animal.

"Don't worry, I am a very hygenic and clean plant! Especially when it rains!" He seemed even more smug, and somehow came across like he was rubbing something in their noses. The critters were starting to find him somewhat abraisive.

The daylight was just barely beginning to seep in, and the critters noticed that there were tiny little red things crawling around the grooves of the cactus. Bossy squinted and leaned in closer.

"Are...  those ants??" she asked, uncomfortable. She backed off a bit. Ants make Bossy skittish.

Snorf likes bugs though, and was interested in having a closer look. "Ants? Cool!"

The Cactus smugly chuckled to himself while the cow was squeamish and the pig quite interested.

"Woooah! Cooool!" said Snorf, checking the Cactus out from various angles. "They even glow a little!!"

"They sure are cool! I am in fact powered by a whimsical, magical, queen fire ant, that fused with my cactus vessel and gives me life and purpose! The little crawlers seem to be a byproduct."

"Coool! Can I touch them?" asked Snorf, who was right now readying his trotter to prod the ants on the cactus.

"Um, sure, why not." the Cactus shrugged.

The pig wasted no time in poking the ants, who got agitated and started skittering around really fast and really creepily. The cow let out a pathetic little "eek!" and ran a few yards away. This woke up Loudward the Rooster.

"Did mine ears just hear an 'eek'?" mumbled Loudward as he groggily woke up. He quickly got to his feet, in preparation for being the hero that smote the minor threat, that made Bossy skittish. Loudward was always looking for opportunities to be "the hero" of a situation, no matter how insignificant.

Loudward aggressively rushed down from his perch, to confront whatever thing was spooking the cow and fascinating the pig, and he let out a big, astonished gasp to see a very smug cactus standing in filth. He's never had to take on a walking cactus before, but he didn't want to come across as weak or a pushover. So he loudly cleared his throat.

But the cactus ignored him, and the pig ended up getting ants on his nose, which bit him and made him flinch and make noises, but Snorf is used to having ants bite his nose. He liked to engage in "gross out" or "endure discomfort" contests, and he espeically liked to make people uncomfortable by doing these things.

Loudward hesitated, as he quickly took this surreal scene in, with a concerned expression. But he loudly cleared his throat again, and boldly strode up to the cactus, but not too close.

"What on earth are you doing?? What's going on here, what is this?? A talking cactus? What an abomination! Cacti don't have legs or larynxes! Or jack-o-lantern faces!"

Now, the Cactus turned his eerie face to smugly stare down the uptight rooster. He smirked smugly as agitated ants scrambled around his grooves and fell off his prickles.

"Heh! Clearly you're obviously wrong! Because my very existence just proves how wrong and incorrect you are!"

This provoked the rooster, who hates being informed that he is wrong about anything, for he is a very arrogant and prideful rooster. While his arrogance and pride matches that of the Cactus, the rooster was markedly wrong in his statement. He quietly raged a bit inside while the Cactus smugly stared him down, with ants crawling out of his glowing eye holes.

"I can choose NOT to believe in walking, talking cacti!"

"I wish I could choose to not believe in fire ants, buuut... " said Bossy, still keeping a safe distance from the Cactus.

By now, the Cactus had grown bored with these critters, and wondered what else was there. He carelessly stomped his feet around heavily through the pen, looking for whatever's interesting. Loudward began aggressively tailing him, demanding to know what he was doing.

"And just where do you think you're going?? Hopefully away, because you are trespassing!!"

"Pff, trespassing is what people do. And the last time I checked the rule book, it didn't say anything about plants being prohibited from exploring wherever they please."

"Oh, and when DID you check this alleged 'rule book'?"

"Uhh, when I was at your mom's coop." said the Cactus.

That was enough to set off the rooster. Loudward began jumping around, flapping and crowing inarticulate protests in a huffy tone of voice, and the Cactus laughed at him, and did something with his arm that vaguely called to mind a rude gesture.

"Teeheeehee, if that's the way you react, then I guess I should visit your mom's coop more often!"

"How dare you! My mother has passed on a few years back!"

"Oh. Well in that case, I visited her grave."

That extra double provoked the rooster, and he blew a fuse, and fell over with smoke rising from his head, legs twitching, and beak still moving, ranting in the inaudible language of the dead. The cactus raised an eyebrow, and kept walking.

"What a dweeb. Teeheehee." said the Cactus. Also, he said "teeheehee" like a word. That's how he laughs.

The farmer, Ben-Joe, an older man who owned this extremely modest, one-acre farmland, which didn't have a whole lot of product, woke up to visit the the commode. He had heard a few strange noises, but assumed it was just a dream. After doing that, he looked out the window. Another perfectly ordinary, predictable morning, probably going to lead into another mundane day, like all the other days.

Then it dawned on him. He heard the rooster yelling at someone, but not crowing properly. Loudward should be crowing by now. Did something happen to him? Ben-Joe got a bit concerned, and stepped outside. He just about jumped out of his skin when he saw a walking cactus crawling with ants, and a jackolantern face!

"GAKS!" he exclaimed, jumping and clutching his chest. He figured, this is probably what happened to Loudward.

"'Sup" said the Cactus with a bit of a wave.

Farmer Ben-Joe looked the cactus up and down. He looked at the flickering, undulating glow in his head, and the weird little ants crawling around on him. Fortunately, this cactus monster only had regular needles, not iron nails sticking out of him. Whew, things could be worse!

Snorf was following the Cactus, with little fire ants crawling around in his nostrils, and a weird grimace on his face. Snorf is such a weirdo.

"Well now, what in tarnation is this?? When did they come out with them that thar newfangled walkin', talkin', scary cactuses?" Ben-Joe leaned in and squinted at the Cactus, who returned with the usual smug, smarmy smirk.

"The future is NOW, and I am of the Future!" boasted the Cactus.

Farmer Ben-Joe just looked on with incredulty and looked him up and down, scratching his face, and shifting on his feet, and pocketing his hand, as he took all this in and tried to process it.

"Well, I'll be a trilobite's great grand uncle twice removed. So, you're from the future, huh? When was y'all invented, then?" Ben-Joe scoffed a bit, knowing that things of the future, generally are not actually from the future, but from a week ago or so.

"Uh, I guess I was invented yesterday." the Cactus shrugged. Then the Cactus looked the farmer up and down, and noticed that he was wearing clothes. The Cactus' face took on an expression of mild surprise, and he pointed a bit.

"Hey, are you wearing clothes?"

"Well, huh, yeah, I'm wearin' clothes. Were you invented by nudists or something?"

"Not particularly... " The Cactus started visibly thinking. Thinking about clothes.

But the farmer wanted to get to the matter of what happened to the rooster.

"Anyway, whatever happened to my rooster? I heard him yellin' an' hollerin', but I ain't heard him crowin'. And he's s'posed ta crow every morning. It's his job, and he takes pride in it."

The cactus laughed, and waved in the general direction of where the smoldering, twitching rooster lay, his beak still moving with inaudible rants from another dimension.

"Oh, you mean that loud guy over there? Ha ha, he's so wound up, I think his heart exploded or something!" he smirked very smugly.

But Ben-Joe didn't find that very amusing. He frowned at the smug Cactus.

"Something tells me you had summin' ta do with that! And I'd like to know what!"

"I joked about his mom or something."

"That's in very poor taste! Whoever invented you, shoulda just shut up!"

But then something strange happened. They all could hear some faint kind of weird music. It sounded like some bizarre synthesized piano coming from the very air itself. The critters and farmer looked around in surprise and concern, but the Cactus seemed pleased to hear it.

"Now what's THAT noise??" the farmer asked to no one in particular. "Those strange noises, those sound like them thar skinny lil' pianers on them legs, an' ya gots ta plug em inna the wall, an' such. And they make weird robot noises... "

Farmer Ben-Joe is somewhat mistrustful of robots, computers, and electronics. When he was young, a robot, computer, and electric keyboard broke into his home and stole all his valuables, and the keyboard shot their dog.

"It's my song!!" smugly boasted the Cactus, and then he broke into freestyle song and dance. He got down and did that Russian squat dance with the kicking, and fire ants rained off of him like sprinkles. Farmer Ben-Joe nervously backed off, but couldn't take his eyes off this spectacle. Indeed, they all stared at him. This was the most unique and interesting thing they had seen for...  Probably several months.

Eerily, the mysterious music from another dimension took hold of all those who heard it, and forced them to dance to its amusement. Bossy gasped as her feet started doing some kind of bizarre jig, while Snorf eagerly started dabbing and flossing, and Ben-Joe felt his own legs starting to wobble.

"Oh no!!! It's the darned, cursed music that makes ya dance until your legs are ground down into bloody little stumps of bone and sinew!!" He covered his ears, and started yelling "LA LA LA" over it, but his voice was fading in his older age.

His pitiful "la la las" were no match for the Cactus' freestyling. The Cactus opened his eerie mouth wide, revealing more of the undulating reddish glow, and little ants skittering about. In addition to ants, freestyle rap scat also emerged and flowed freely, jarring hideously with the chaotic music. It sounded like a bunch of ghosts were torturing electronic musical instruments, while the Cactus rapped and scatted something that was half made up words, and half boasting about how he is the following:

1. A cactus
2. Ambulatory
3. Loud
4. Proud
5. Too cool for rules
6. Full of ants

Eventually, the cacaphony faded away, and their legs were freed. However, there were significantly more ants scattered about. Farmer Ben-Joe was now extremely uncomfortable with the presence of this bizarre being, suspecting that there was a connection between what it referred to as "its song", and the fact that it was present.

"Now, ahem, see here... " Ben-Joe straightened himself up, folded his arms sternly, and glared harshly at the smug cactus with legs and ants. "I don't know where yer from, but yer freaky-deeky kind ain't welcome 'round here."

"Reeeaally?" said the Cactus, with a very smarmy expression, leaning in and challenging Ben-Joe. Ben-Joe nervously took a couple steps back. Maintaining eye contact, the Cactus aggressively took a few paces forward. They did this for a few paces, the cactus "chasing" the farmer backwards. Ben-Joe wished he had a gun on him, but it was in the house.

"The rooster who told me to leave, well... " the Cactus gestured towards the still-smoldering rooster several yards away. "And the pig sure seems to like me. So I guess it's just you and the cow who deem me 'unwanted'. So then, where's the nearest settlement?"

Farmer Ben-Joe actually started to get nervous and began sweating. "Wha- why do you want to know where the nearest settlement is?? What exactly are you planning?"

the Cactus just laughed dismissively and a few ants fell out of his face, and onto Ben-Joe. Ben-Joe groaned and brushed them off. One of them latched onto his finger and had to be pulled off. Ben then resumed his angry, assertive posture, but he was still really sweating and trembling slightly. He raised an accusatory finger of scolding.

"If you're up to sumfin' nefarious, you got another thing comin', 'pal'."

"Whoooo, meee??" the Cactus took on a mock-hurt posture and put his weird needle-fingers on his chest. "Meee? Nefarious? Now that is just a baseless accusation. Why, that is really hurtful and cruel. Is it a crime to be astonishingly awesome and radical?"

But the farmer scowled suspiciously at him.

"Why, you want me to move along, I guess I'll just move along then. All I wanted to know was where the nearest settlement is, but I suppose I'll just have to hit the road and find out for myself, then."

"Alright, fine, it's thataway." The farmer pointed with his thumb. "ah sure hope you're not gonna cause any trouble over thar... "

the Cactus stuck out some bizarre tongue-thing, that was covered in ants.

"Pff, I don't care what you hope for." and then apparently flipped him off with that arm-thing.

The farmer looked on with concern, as the cow fidgeted nervously, but the pig waved goodbye with a great big grin.

The Cactus started clomping along down the road, waving his arms along like he's ultra-power-walking, off in the general direction of a town in the distance.

Once the Cactus was just a small green shape in the distance, the farmer muttered to the cow.

"Strange thing...  I uh, kept wunnerin'...  what would it be like to uh...  like ummm... . Wrap my arms around him and get covered in them ants and needles an' stuff. How strange... "

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